This is part 3 of a four-part series on relationships and authenticity. You can read part 1 here and part 2 here. In this post I’ll be delving into how you can communicate what you want out of your romantic relationship, using love languages.
In part one, I briefly touched on the different Love Languages. If you are curious about what you and your partner’s love language is, you can take the quiz here.
Now that you know what the results are, you are ready to put those findings into practice.
Quality Time
Those who prioritize quality time should work with partners on scheduling a set time for both of you (or you and immediate family) to spend time bonding together. To enhance the experience, there can be some pre-agreed upon rules such as not using technology when spending this allotted time together, being consistent with having time set aside, and taking turns doing what the other person loves (e.g. camping one week then going out for cocktails next).
Quality time doesn’t just mean physically spending time with your partner. It means giving undivided attention when you’re with them, listening carefully to what they divulge, and being open to learning with them. Individuals often have different ideas of what feels like quality time, make sure you are clear what this means to your partner in detail.
Gifts
People who prioritize gift giving typically not only love to receive gifts, but give them too. In many cultures, giving gifts (or offerings) is a daily part of life. Gifts don’t have to be fancy or expensive, but they should be bought with your partner in mind. What kind of gifts do they like? Are they a foodie, crafts lover, or an art aficionado? Knowing what makes them tick for the right reasons will bring out their joy when you present them your gift.
Do not confuse gift giving as materialistic or selfish. The core purpose of this love language is that you are telling your partner that you’re thinking of them. Again, the most important ingredient here is really knowing your partner, and what speaks to them.
Acts of Service
This typically means doing chores your partner wants you to do. It can be requested or done without prompting. This love language takes time, effort, and planning. It can be as simple as doing chores for your partner, giving them a massage, or planning a trip. These acts take weight off your partner’s shoulders so they can focus on other things like relaxing for the evening or other tasks they enjoy.
If you enjoy acts of service and would like your partner to engage in this love language, it’s important to vocalize what you’d like for them to do in a straightforward manner. Be mindful not to be demanding or forceful. Using “I” statements and explaining how doing “X” acts of service would be greatly appreciated. Your partner is not psychic (maybe they are, but probably not in most cases) so they can’t anticipate what you want done. Giving hints is a start, but telling them in a direct and open manner will result in less confusion. For example, “I feel really loved when you rub my feet when we are watching TV” or “I feel like you care about me when you unload the dishwasher in the morning”.
Touch
Touch is one of the most exciting forms of love languages as it actively involves both parties physically engaging with each other. Touch does not have to be sexual in nature. It can be just as valuable in the form of a hug, hand holding, high fiving, or cuddling.
One partner may be too shy to engage in physical affection and as frustrating as that may be, you must respect their boundaries. Trust is a two way street in all relationships and in order to maintain harmony, you must respect the autonomy of your partner.
If you or your partner have issues around touch, it is worth considering seeing a professional. Often these issues are longstanding and may have preceded the relationship itself.
Words of Affirmation
Never underestimate the power of words. People who love to be soothed with words of affirmation, need regular verbal assurance and validation. They love compliments and value encouragement in times of hardship.
If your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, make sure to verbally praise their successes or tell them how much you appreciate them when they go the extra mile for you.
Communicating reassurance or practicing validation may be challenging for some couples. Thankfully with words of affirmation there’s lots of room for creativity, like leaving notes for your partner, writing love letters, writing them a song or telling them a simple “I love you” can make their whole day.
Don’t be mistaken, learning about you and your partner’s love languages are only starting points. Spending quality one on one time with them, having complex discussions, or even reassessing boundaries are all part of having a deep, and rich relationship. Often couples will struggle speaking each other’s love language due to underlying resentments and frustrations. If you are experiencing relationship or communications struggles, don’t hesitate to reach out to me here.
Look out for soon for part 4, the last part of my Authenticity in Relationships series, Relationship “Killers” and How to Spot Them part 4.
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