It’s natural for relationships to evolve and change over time. Honeymoon periods only last briefly. The quirks you used to love about your partner start to bother you. A lot.
Whether they forget to thaw the frozen chicken, sing badly, or make too many jokes, sometimes the behavior can be so irritating it makes you want to lash out. So, how do you find your way back to romance?
When couples come to me and ask how they can overcome a partner’s ‘tick’ or behavior I often walk them through this 3 step process:
1.Write down all the things about your partner that made you fall in love with them
For some couples this may be the hardest part, especially when the frustration is dominating the relationship. However, being able to see the ultimate good in your partner is a necessary step for the healing process to begin.
What do YOU love about your partner? Why did you fall in love with them?
Is it the way they treat others? The way they make you laugh? How beautiful/handsome their outfits are? This list is all about the big and small things that you love about your partner.
2.Write down things about your partner that make you mad
What makes you frustrated? Be honest with yourself and them. Sometimes your partner may be unaware that a certain behavior they’re exhibiting is causing you distress. Does their behavior give you anxiety?
Be mindful when pointing out frustrations that you focus on their behaviors that they are capable of changing, not physical features or disabilities they have. Get as specific as possible about their behaviors and think about why it bothers you. Remember, your feelings are valid, but so are theirs. When they share with you their frustrations, keep an open mind, listen intently and refrain from giving your input until they’ve finished sharing their piece. Having difficult conversations isn’t easy but not having them can lead to more issues down the road.
3.Last but not least, refocus on what you love about your partner.
For example, you may have initially thought your partner’s laid-back personality was cute when you first started dating, but now you find yourself frustrated because they’re not making concrete plans with you. What you need to do is reframe the way you think about your frustration. It’s not fair to be frustrated at your partner for being less interested in making plans as you, when that is not part of their personality. Remember why you fell in love with them, remember the traits you love about them, understand how that makes them less good at other things, and appreciate that. Most people’s personalities remain on a steady continuum throughout their lives. Unless an individual encounters extreme trauma or experiences a major life change (birth of a child, death of a family member, etc.) their general personality default does not change.
Think deeply about their strengths and how well you work together. How did you fall in love with them in the first place? Both of you can write this down and share answers. You might be pleasantly surprised.
When it comes to the issue of lashing out when your partner’s “ticks” happen, think carefully first before reacting. Is this a battle worth fighting? Think about the source of the frustration. Is it really your partner or another external stressor like work or family drama? There is a good chance your partner is not intentionally trying to disturb you or make your life harder.
Additionally, having boundaries around a quirk can lessen the frustration on you and your partner. For example, setting up a kind reminder for your partner to put down the toilet seat or compromising on certain things like quiet hours may help reinforce rules around the behavior.
All relationships go through periods of frustration and hardship. When certain behavior patterns keep reocurring or communication breaks down between couples, there’s nothing wrong with getting in contact with a therapist to help repair your relationship.
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