Moving on After an Affair – Infidelity in Relationship

Having an affair could not occur in my relationship. That would never happen to me. I love my partner and I would never be unfaithful to them. 

But let’s be honest. According to infidelity statistics, about 40% of unmarried relationships and 25% of marriages see at least one incident of infidelity. An issue of Marriage and Divorce journal also stated that 70% of all Americans engage in some kind of affair sometime during their marital life. (hernorm.com)

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Infidelity often sneaks in the back door, disguising itself as harmless fun or innocent behavior in the beginning. Couples often become disconnected, lack vulnerability, hold resentments, or just stop prioritizing their relationships. Those things are a recipe for infidelity. Even though infidelity occurs, an affair does not mean that your relationship is inherently bad and it doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is over. Oftentimes it means that you and your partner are missing intimate emotional and physical connection. Here are a few essential steps on how to forgive and move on after infidelity:

1.Confession and remorse

While there are no guarantees that there will be no cheating in the relationship if the two of you are emotionally connected, the best prevention is honest, open, and clear communication, commitment, emotional and sexual connection. However, if cheating does happen, and your partner admits that they were unfaithful, it is important to know the answers to these questions:

Has your partner acknowledged their behavior was wrong and harmful?
Has your partner accepted responsibility for their actions?
Has your partner apologized without qualifying or justifying their behavior?

The first step is the person who cheated must acknowledge their behavior was wrong and harmful to the relationship. During this time it is common that both partners will experience strong and intense emotions.  It is really important that the unfaithful partner accept complete responsibility for their actions that destroyed their partner’s trust and apologize for their behavior without qualifying or justifying.

It is also common that a cheated partner feels anger, despair, hopelessness, fear, mistrust, and sadness. At this stage, psychosomatic disturbances are possible, as well as impaired concentration and inability to focus on work and normal daily activities. Honest conversation and active listening can be helpful. Feelings may become less intense and disturbing when shared with a professional. It is important to remember that this is not a good time to make drastic decisions. For the relationship to continue, it is important that the partner who cheated breaks off all contact with the third party commits to loyalty and respect to their partner, and sincerely apologizes. This is usually the moment when couples decide what to do after infidelity. Some are not ready to continue further together and consider separation, some couples remain at a dead-end of uncertainty, and some decide to continue the emotional relationship. The decision on that should not be made quickly or impulsively.

2.Has your partner made reparations?

Clear communication with the partner is important in this step. Some people want to know every detail of the affair, other people are not comfortable with this. Be sure you want to know before asking your partner for details. A partner who has committed infidelity needs to be 100% honest with answering questions asked, yet not offering information your partner is not ready to hear yet. 

The unfaithful partner should be gentle and loving, every day over and over again, like those first days of a relationship, to show how much they love and appreciate their partner and how important they are. They need to patiently prove their love so that they can regain their credibility in a relationship. When a partner shows the desire and willingness to do anything to repair the damage, it is time for the next step.

For example, if you cheated on your partner by talking with a third party over the phone, the decision to use the phone only when you need it will let your partner know that you regret your previous behavior and care about your relationship.

Also, people are often under a lot of pressure from an environment that doesn’t like to forgive infidelity and that pressure is a more common cause of breakups than the infidelity itself. Remember reparations must be done with a willing heart and are not effective if you have to force or police them.

3.Decision to forgive

The worst thing that can be done when a person has been unfaithful is to try to avoid the situation, and act as if nothing has happened. It is usually normal to feel pain and suffering. Acceptance is an important part of the process and dealing with intense emotions is quite common during this time. If a partner has sincerely repented and accepted responsibility for their actions, it can provide an opportunity where one can use infidelity to improve relationships and build something completely new. Having a strong will and desire, as well as time, are essential for building confidence and regaining trust. Partners need to give themselves time to overcome negative emotions and they can achieve this with persistence and dedication.

Waking up every morning saying these words like a mantra:

“Today I choose to forgive my partner.”

A person should continue this mantra every morning, as long as it takes, until one morning they wake up and realize that they have forgiven their partner and that trust has been regained. 

If you choose to forgive infidelity in your relationship, you may find forgiveness brings you peace, help to get rid of destructive thoughts and feelings, and show others your faith in your ability to change. Oftentimes, true forgiveness requires a great deal of human effort. Coping with triggered grief, anger, and sadness is an inside job, and a therapist can be beneficial during this transition phase.

4.Rebuilding trust

Rebuilding trust most often is a very slow process. It takes time for recovery to happen, both individually and in relationships. When partners understand what happened and why the chance of repeating an unhealthy pattern in the future decreases. This step is often characterized by realistic expectations from partners and relationships, attention, and mutual care.

Infidelity causes pain, suffering, and often crisis in both partners and most likely destroys mutual trust. But the relationship can still be saved if there is mutual understanding and a true desire to change. Until then, keep choosing to trust and forgive.

5.Moving on

Post-infidelity it is important to rebuild self-confidence. Set new goals, for the new, better you. These goals must be yours alone, they must awaken your inner passion. Try something you have always wanted to try. Travel where you always wanted to go, eat the food you’ve never tasted before. Rebuild your social life with friends and family. As you do, with self-care you will regain confidence and feel much better in coping with challenging situations.

6.Consider professional help

One of the most common reasons couples consult a therapist is infidelity. Infidelity often has serious relationships and social consequences. Despite this, statistically, the infidelity rate is on the rise. However, having a vulnerable dialogue builds intimacy in relationships and opens up channels of deeper communication and greater fulfillment. It is important to know how to listen, to understand what is said, to provide the right support. 

If you are experiencing infidelity struggles, and you need professional support don’t hesitate to reach out to me here, so you can get back on track and not lose the love of your life.

Thank you for reading!