The Principal that gave me my first job as a School Counselor used to end her morning announcements the same way each morning by saying, “make it a good day or not – the choice is yours”. I began to realize what she meant over the years and more than a decade later, the concept still frequents my mind and conversations almost daily. I won’t say that a simple statement said hundreds and hundreds of times changed my life but I will say that it shaped my mindset which had a profound effect on my lifestyle. It was simply a shift in how I chose to see and interact with the world.
The key to it is the word choice. We all have them. It is important to acknowledge that some people have better options in life than others. Our society is far from equality but every person is presented with countless choices daily – most just do not recognize the amount of control they actually have over their lives.
As a School Counselor, I would talk to elementary students regularly about the importance of having a positive mindset in life. I even did a classroom lesson on “Why Can’t Everyday Be Friday”. Basic reinforcement that they do in fact have choices in just about everything in life. Conversations about shifting our mindset, to putting our time and energy towards the things we can control. How time and energy are two of the only things that are finite in life, and putting both towards things we can control can bring a sense of peace and relief.
I would suggest, the initial stage of the mindset change occurs when someone begins to realize, there are things they can control in life and things they cannot. Once someone wraps their head around that concept, they can be intentional about the use of their time and energy. If someone lost their job, they could choose to use their time and energy on updating their resume, searching for jobs, or getting further education, rather than spending unproductive time griping about how much their boss will regret the decision. Former Navy SEAL (now podcast host) Jocko Willink discussed intentional mindset here: Good. Obviously, Jocko has an intense way of choosing how he reacts; however, I am not sure anyone would argue that he has a good understanding of his locus of control.
One does not realistically make intentional choices without doing the acceptance work. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), the concept is referred to as Radical Acceptance. That is accepting and anticipating that there are going to be times in life where things will not go the way you would want them to go. There will be situations that you cannot control. Do not waste your valuable resources of time and energy on these things, when you can put them towards things that are within your control.
I have explained what this whole mindset concept is, but it is just as important to discuss what it is not: Toxic Positivity. “Toxic positivity is the assumption, either by one’s self or others, that despite a person’s emotional pain or difficult situation, they should only have a positive mindset or — my pet peeve term — ‘positive vibes,’” explains Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, a clinical psychologist in Pennsylvania who specializes in, among other things, anxiety disorders and self-esteem. Click HERE for an in-depth conversation on Toxic Positivity. The mindset shift I spoke of earlier does not assert that you cover up your everyday struggles with sunshine and glitter, but rather encourages you to spend your time and energy on things in life that you actually can control.
You can make this work for you! Your locus of control can, and should, look different than mine and the person next to you. When life happens, make sure to remember to “make it a good day – or not – the choice is yours”.